Today is Day 3 of the Top 10 Christmas Song Lists. Today’s list comes from Benjamin Braun, a musician who has an ear for the excellent…and then the stuff on this list. Before you continue reading, I cannot stress this enough: In no way do I support, endorse, or promote the following artists and/or the butchering they have done to our beloved Christmas songs…and neither should you. What you are about to read is not for the weak at heart. Ladies and gentlemen…
The Top 10 Worst Christmas Covers of All Time
10. “O Come All Ye Faithful” – Twisted Sister
Reality TV. Holiday album. Hair. There are a number of ways that signature 1980’s frontmen can eradicate their own integrity. With the exception of celebrity ice dancing (I’m looking at you Vince Neil) Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider has capitalized on them all. Not surprisingly, this track from the egomaniacally-driven Twisted Sister Christmas album (aptly entitled “Twisted Christmas”) is neither joyful nor triumphant. It’s more…awful and repulsive. Sampling the Twisted Sister hit “We’re Not Gonna Take It” (as opposed to the other Twisted Sister hit) this adaptation only confirms that the glam metal insurgence into the Christmas hymn genre was a void better left unfilled.
9. “White Christmas” – New Kids on the Block
Bing Crosby’s version of this Irving Berlin song still stands as the best-selling single of all time. For some reason, the New Kids’ version didn’t have the same success. It wasn’t often the guys gave Jonathan the spotlight. Turns out, they had the right idea. This gem from the NKOTB Christmas album, “Merry Merry Christmas,” is reminiscent of a high school Christmas talent show…though in a way, that’s exactly what “Merry Merry Christmas” was. Still, it’s much better than the preceding track: “Funky Funky Xmas” (thanks, Donnie).
8. “Jingle Bells” – Kenny Chesney
Much like footie Christmas pajamas and stocking caps with fluffy balls on them (barring the ironically cool ones sported by hipsters, snowboarders, and hipster snowboarders), singing “Jingle Bells” for the entertainment of others is really something you should give up when you turn eight years old. And since I don’t really want to hear about margaritas and senoritas when it’s nine degrees outside, Kenny Chesney music ranks up there with citronella candles, pool noodles, and ice cream trucks as things that are just weird and better left avoided during the non-summer months.
7. “Santa Baby” – Rev Run, Puff Daddy, Snoop Dogg, Salt n Pepa, and more
Yes. This exists. I don’t…it’s just so…wow.
6. “The First Noel” – Crash Test Dummies
I can’t seem to find exactly where self-mocking irony stops and genuine 90’s cheesiness begins. Donning footie pajamas (I thought we covered this) the commercial Canadian grunge quintet that brought us heartfelt lyrics like “mmm mmm mmm mmm” and “mmmmmm mmmmmm” really outdid themselves on this 1991 holiday rendition.
5. “Jingle Bell Rock” – Billy Idol
Elvis did it. David Bowie did it. Naturally Billy Idol would jump at the opportunity to do a rock version of a Christmas song—although judging from this video, his rhythm section was exceptionally less enthusiastic. Unfortunately, despite its name, “Jingle Bell Rock” falls somewhere between “Baby I’ma Want You” and “Truly Madly Deeply” on the scale of rockiness (which goes to eleven by the way). For Idol, it may be a nice day for a white wedding (and a white hairpiece), but it will always be a lousy day for a white Christmas [cover]. Side note: doesn’t he kind of resemble the Green Goblin?
4. TIE: “O Holy Night” – Mariah Carey & “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” – Christina Aguilera
While there’s no denying the power behind this diva’s instantly-recognized vocals, [Mariah/Christina] takes ["O Holy Night"/"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"] to new heights in flashiness and subsequently new lows in my ability to listen to it. With countless runs and unnecessary signature [high notes/angry sounding growls], [Carey/Aguilera]’s interpretation of this otherwise great Christmas song is like adding a giant inflatable Mickey Mouse snowglobe to a nativity scene. It’s tacky, it doesn’t fit, and it’s wrong on so many levels. In addition, I would appreciate it if she steered clear of acting for a while. I still haven’t forgiven her for [Glitter/Burlesque].
3. This space is hereby reserved in the event that Nickelback ever releases a Christmas album.
2. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” – Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan’s Christmas album is about as good as one would expect a Christmas album by Bob Dylan to be. I know. He’s Bob Dylan and he’s earned the right to do essentially whatever he wants without the fear of a public or critical backlash. But he’s probably not reading this anyway. If nothing else, this abomination proves that even America’s most respected artists are subject to a bad Christmas cover (or twelve). On a related note, let’s just say with his cover of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, Bruce Springsteen should consider himself lucky that this isn’t a top 11 list. If you want to hear a sample of it (and I highly suggest you do) or if you want to buy it (and I highly suggest you don’t) click on this link for some Christmas splendor: Bob Dylan singing “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
1. “Winter Wonderland” – Jessica Simpson and Ozzy Osbourne
Quick, think of two over-exposed artists that should never collaborate on anything including, but not limited to, the world of holiday music. If you said Jessica Simpson and Ozzy Osbourne, you win. Unfortunately, since this union of punchline-inducing MTV reality TV alumni is actually non-hypothetical, we ALL lose. Together, Jessica (of tuna-eating fame) and Ozzy (of bat-eating fame) produce the most awkward holiday pairing since Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad.
Tomorrow…
The Greatest Modern Christmas Songs/Renditions
[Photo source: http://bit.ly/g6uXIx]
