It’s hard to find good music on the radio. I feel like I can set my radio on “seek” for an hour and never find anything halfway decent. It seems like every station is now filled with cheesy pop lyrics that are put to the sound of techno music and a booming bass. No offense Taio Cruz, but when the sun hasn’t risen and I’m driving to work at 6:30 am on a rainy Monday, I don’t want to get a pulsating headache while you tell me how you’re only gonna break, break my, break, break my heart.
I started thinking about what things will actually make me change the station on the radio, and I came up with this semi-serious, semi-humorous list:
1.) Starting your song with the lyrics “I know you want me.”
I’m pretty sure that’s about as self-absorbed as you can get. While someone may actually want you, do you really want to brag about it to the world? A little too conceited for me.
2.) Using your own name in a song, especially as the opening lyric.
Okay, I was wrong. THIS is the most self-absorbed thing you can do. And I’m talking to you Jason Derulo. Self-promotion is bad enough on Twitter and Facebook, but starting off your song by saying your name takes it to a new level.
3.) Using degrading terms for women as terms of endearment.
For the sake of my job, I won’t give examples, but I think you know what I mean. This started with rappers. They used terms to describe women that were typically reserved for prostitutes. Now this is becoming widespread. Even Britney Spears has used one of these terms to describe her followers. And sadly…people eat it up. I’m not sure when this became a positive thing, but it shouldn’t, and gives me plenty of reason to keep on “seeking.”
4.) Grunting to lead in to your lyrics.
Sorry if I offend all of the Pearl Jam fans out there, but my ears aren’t fans of hearing a grown man make weird noises before he starts singing. If I wanted to hear that, I’d listed to Ozzy Osbourne read his book.
5) Auto-tune.
No explanation needed.
6.) Singing a happy lyric, while sounding like you’re yelling at the guy who just killed your puppy.
Some people just seem mad even when they’re trying to act happy. I’m looking at you Nickelback. Only you can sing, “Look at this photograph. Everytime I do it makes me laugh” and make me want to cry out of fear. If you’re laughing, stop screaming. If you’re happy, don’t sound evil. If you’re on the radio, please stop singing horrible music.
7.) More bleeps than lyrics.
If you cuss so much in your song that I don’t even know what it’s about, you need help. I’m amazed that artists who want to make it rich and famous will produce songs that are stripped to 30 seconds in their radio edit. Hey geniuses, people hear your songs on the radio. If they can’t “hear” your song because it has all been bleeped, what’s the point?
8.) Songs that carry a “Don’t judge me” motif.
If you have to write a song that tells people not to judge you, chances are you’ve done some pretty dumb stuff that is going to be judged. If you’ve had multiple DUIs, neglected your children, faced drug charges, been to rehab multiple times, violently attacked people, beat your girlfriend, been charged with possession of a gun, and/or shot someone, no one is going to give you sympathy when you sing “Only God can judge me.” Definitely turning the station.
9.) Slamming us over the head with a skewed worldview.
Whether it’s Maroon 5, Lady Gaga, or Rage Against the Machine, I can only take so much propaganda. I know you want to be the next Bob Dylan or follow in The Beatles’ footsteps with your agenda-laced song, but I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if you’re bashing Bush or Obama, I’m turning it. Even if your melody is catchy, if your music accuses me of being intolerant or judgmental because I don’t agree with your liberal outlook on life, I’m not listening to your song.
10.) Dave Matthews Band.
11.) Trying to be so deep and philosophical that your words carry no meaning.
I’m amazed at how many people can listen to some Coldplay songs and say “That song speaks to me so much!” Let’s be honest, you don’t have a clue what they’re singing about half the time. When bands are asked what their “deep” songs mean, they usually reply “I think our songs mean different things to different people.” Translation: We have no idea what it means.
[Photo Source: http://bit.ly/hSguDx]
