To Any Girl Who May Read This:
First of all I want to apologize. I want to apologize on behalf of males everywhere. We are sinful people. Unfortunately girls, many of those sins involve you. As males, we are visual creatures. We take things we see and we process them in our mind and over and over again. Those images become imprinted upon our minds. Sadly, we take things we see much further than we should. We lust. We sin. It’s our fault. It’s 100% our fault. We can’t blame this on anyone else. When we sin it’s because we have chosen to let our mind escape God’s plan for us to be pure and holy. Instead, we have lustful thoughts, often taking a simple image and turning it into something sexual. We’ve viewed girls as objects, not as God’s creation. We’re sinful. We have no excuse. I’m sorry.
Girls, I ask you to help us with this battle. Once again, it is sin on our part and we are responsible for the impure thoughts that enter our minds. However, you can help us. The Bible discusses “stumbling blocks.” Many girls, whether they know it or not are stumbling blocks. You may say, “It’s not my fault if a guy lusts after me,” but if that’s your attitude, you are only contributing to a deadly problem. Girls, I plead that you won’t take that type of attitude, but rather will aim to help us guys who are struggling. You often don’t know how little it takes to set off a spark in our minds, but there’s little things you can do to help us with this issue. Consider the pictures you post on Facebook. Are you showing off your midriff? Do you show your off portions of your back? Are you showing the world your tattoos or piercings which are in “convenient” places? Do you post pictures of yourself at the beach or pictures of you and your friends in bikinis? You may think it’s completely innocent, but you have no idea what is happening in the mind of a guy when he sees that. You may say that it’s no different than what a guy would see at the pool or beach. While that may be true, I implore that you aim to be modest when at the pool or beach. Not only that, but please remember that the pictures you post on Facebook and MySpace–the pictures that show up in our main feed and stay there for days–are a constant visual reminder of your your body, bikini, stomach, tan lines, etc. Do you want our minds dwelling on that image for days?
Unfortunately, this issue is very prominent inside the church as well. It constantly amazes me what some girls wear to church. Once again, if we lust it is our sin, but girls there is no need to show cleavage in any circumstance, most notable inside the walls of the church. Whether it’s showing cleavage, a “shadow,” or just allowing your shirt/blouse to reveal too much skin, your dress can be very distracting to our worship. When we are trying to concentrate on the things of God, the last thing we need is a lustful distraction. This makes me sick and I feel like it is a battle I have to face many Sundays. Whether it is a girl wearing a skirt that is too short or a girl wearing a top that is either too low cut or too loose fitting, I hate trying to have a conversation with a girl while my concentration is constantly being tempted by something else.
I have a fear that many girls who read this will champion the cause but never stop to think about their own dress, actions, or pictures. Unfortunately, for many girls, the definition of modesty is “any girl who dresses more immodest than me.” That definition is dangerous and self-righteous.
I also have a fear that many girls do the things they do to attract certain attention. They want to receive attention from guys and/or want to feel good about themselves. They affirm themselves by receiving glances/stares from men. Once again, this is a dangerous problem with pride at its root. If a girl dresses provocatively to receive attention, is she truly receiving attention that glorifies God, or is she the object of another man’s lust. Sadly, for many girls, I don’t think it matters…as long as they receive the attention.
Girls, I ask you for your help. Help the husbands who are trying to stay faithful to their wives in thoughts and actions. Help the boyfriends who are trying to stay faithful to their girlfriends through pure thoughts and deeds. Help the single men who may be struggling to find some type of intimate fulfillment. In a world that is becoming more pornographic everyday, I plead you to take a stand right now and decide to become part of the solution and not part of the problem. I do not believe you can take a neutral stand on this position.
If this was an issue that only affected a small portion of guys, or only applied to the girls we label as “sluts,” I would not even mention it. Unfortunately, I believe this problem affects nearly every man on this planet. Sadly, stumbling blocks have come from girls who are friends inside and outside the church, acquaintances, and mere strangers.
Francis Chan says that every morning we should ask God, “Are the things I’m wearing bringing glory to Your name?” There is no neutral answer. Either we honor God with our bodies and our dress, or we dishonor His name.
Girls, please help us in this fight. If you could see inside our heads for just 1 minute, it might revolutionize everything about the way you live. We need your help. Please don’t be that stumbling. Rather, be the godly encouragement every man needs.
Tags: Girls, Lust, Modesty, Sex, Stumbling Blocks
July 6th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I agree 100% and hopefully my agreement will add support to the idea that it is a universal problem, not just one guy (it’s at least 2). Thanks for the honesty. It is our problem, our sin, but we sure could use some road blocks instead of stumbling blocks. Who said guys won’t ask for help?
July 6th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Thanks for the honesty and for “going there” when so many want to avoid the scantily clad elephant in the room. I am a mother of three girls who are taught early and often about the role they play in this battle. I love how Jeff stated it. We need to teach our daughters the difference between a road block and a stumbling block.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Hi David! Okay, long, long response – you don’t have to approve this, but the following passage was absolutely revolutionary for me and I thought I’d share it with you because it’s been the most helpful advice on this subject I’ve received. It’s from John Eldredge’s book, “The Way of the Wild Heart”.
“Now I know – beauty is dangerous stuff. Especially The Beauty. As Dostoevsky warned, “Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man.” He may have meant mankind, but you and I well know the battle over beauty is terrible in the heart of a man. It goes without saying that there is something in the soul of a man that makes him profoundly vunerable to The Beauty. Every man knows this, knows the breathtaking allure of a woman’s form. I’ll be flipping through some adventure magazine and whoa – there is a beauty and she stirs something in my heart. Vunerable doesn’t quite describe it. Powerless draws us a bit nearer the condition.
“Over the ages men have handled this in basically one of two ways – surrender, or discipline. Surrender can be subtle, as when we let her in, when we allow ourselves to entertain the Beauty even though she is not ours. The lingering glance, the opening of our hearts to her. It can be blatant…The damage is terrible, and many good men therefore choose discipline. Force yourself to look away, busy yourself with other things, fight it tooth and nail. Which is certainly better than surrender…But discipline without healing doesn’t work real well over time, and it can do great damage to our hearts, which begin to feel like the enemy so we’ll do what we can to kill them in order to avert disaster.
“There is another way. The way of holiness and healing, and it involves what we do in that very moment, when our hearts are stirred by a Beauty. God and the devil were doing battle over my heart…and this is what I wrote in my journal:
O merciful God, come to me in this place, this very place in my heart. I give this to you. I choose you over Eve. I choose your love and friendship and beauty. I give my aching and longing and vulnerable heart to you. Come, and heal me here. Sanctify me. Make me whole and holy in this very place.
I prayed it over and over, day and night. Whole, and holy. That is what we need. When it comes to emotional entanglements, it might be good to ask yourself, “What girlfriends broke my heart?” And, “What have I done with that?”…Some of you men are still in an emotional tie with a woman you knew years ago. You must let her go – along with any photos, letters, mementos you are hanging on to…But you do not let her go with cynicism or resignation. You give that hurt place in your heart to God, invite him to bring healing and holiness.
“And then there are the sexual issues, the holiness we need deep in our sexuality…Sometimes we have to be very specific to find the cleansing and relief we long for, going back and renouncing specific events, inviting the blood of Christ to cleanse our every sin away, that our sexuality may be made holy.
“And then there is the “live moment,” when a beautiful woman crosses our path in person or an image of some sort, and our hearts are stirred. How we handle that moment is critical. We do not surrender, we do not kill the longing. We give that very place over to Christ. That place in your heart, right there, right then, give to Jesus. Awakened by a beauty, we give that part of our hearts to God. This will take some time, and many repetitions. We’ve given it over to the woman so many times before, there is much recovering to be done. Again? Yes, again and again and again. That is how we are healed, made whole and holy and strong.
“Finally, we must open our hearts to all the other ways God is bringing beauty into our lives. The beauty of a flower garden or moonlight on water, the beauty of music or a written word. Our souls crave Beauty, and if we do not find it we will be famished. We must take in Beauty often, or we will be taken out by beauty.”
July 7th, 2009 at 11:54 am
This has been very insightful. I don’t normally respond to blogs, but this one really captured my attention. As a female I am “aware” of the struggle that men face visually, but I am realizing that just being “aware” isn’t enough. Thank you for being honest ans openly expressing how prominent this struggle is for most if not all men. Girls don’t always realize this true struggle as you have revealed it today. Well, at least I wasn’t. Often girls (including myself) struggle with the issue of their own self image. We think that we aren’t good enough. So, it doesn’t matter how we look or dress, because we believe “what guy would look at me, much less look upon me with lustful thoughts.” Now, this doesn’t excuse our dress when it is not modest and pleasing to God. Girls do seek attention from males. It validates us when we are given attention, but it is important for us to seek the right attention. The attention from males that the Lord would have us to seek. And, that is that they(men) are more concerned with how we look on the inside. What our relationship is with Christ. What are our convictions, and how is He working in and through our lives. Not, the sinful physical attention that we seek from them. The kind the world tells us we need. God created women to be captivating for men, but not in a sinful manner. We(females) need not to be stumbling blocks to guys with our own issue of our sin, but to be an encouragement to them by our dress and actions that we desire them to be pure. Thanks for the reminder and lesson.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Wow. Great comments from everyone.
Joe, I found that passage incredible so I had to pass it on. Thanks!
Kayla, thanks for your honesty and insight into the female mind. I love the line “God created women to be captivating for men, but not in a sinful manner.” So true!
July 7th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
One of the things that impresses me most about Jesus as a man was His ministry to women. Women weren’t treated then as they are today. Men used them for merely objects on a regular basis. Even great men like Solomon and David. Jesus has several interactions with those women who felt they had no other choice but to live and behave with the key goal to be objectified by men. He offered them a freedom no other man had ever offered them. And I’m sure while interacting with them and ministering to them, he may have seen things he shouldn’t. But can you imagine the kind of self-discipline he must have displayed to have been around them and not sin? Because he says to even think about it is a sin. But he didn’t avoid them, he just gave them what was missing by not looking at them as an object and by offering them a way out of adulterous lifestyles.
It just makes me so mad when Feminism attacks Christianity not even realizing that nobody treated women more delicately and beautifully as Christ. He wasn’t a pig and he wasn’t demeaning… and women flocked to Him… In his day he offered them more than their society could and it wasn’t the ability to wear whatever they want without feeling responsible … it wasn’t the right to do whatever men could do… it was emotionally sustaining above anything else this world could offer.
I say all that to say.. girls, THAT is the kind of man you should look for. One who behaves as though you are the most precious thing on this earth and has disciplined himself enough to look beyond what you can offer his mind to play around with. BUT to get that man, you must behave as a woman who won’t just give herself away (whether by flaunting things) or by acting on sexual impulses.
I just think Kayla said it best when she said we just want that affirmation from men, and when we don’t have men if our life who give us the positive Christ-like affirmation… we end up with easy girls and pigs for men.
Maybe to help the problem you addressed David, guys should compliment girls more often in positive ways. We pick up on things when guys like a certain actress or athlete, and we begin to discect the way she looks trying to figure out what it is we can mimick to gain the same attraction you have for her. If more guys said less flirty things to revealing busty blondes, more girls would stop trying to become them. We want affirmation and affection and end up bring both genders down trying to obtain it.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Just a quick response: I love all of these comments! And Hannah, I agree. There is nothing a girl loves more than a sincere compliment from a guy! :)
May 17th, 2010 at 8:16 pm
I agree with everything you have said, but also find it interesting that you chose the picture you did for this topic. The girl isn’t helping that guy out at all by sitting the way she is in that skirt. I’m pretty sure he got an “eyefull”.