Flirting on Facebook…with Married People?
Author: DavidJones // Category: Ethics, Family, Pop Culture
This morning when I opened Facebook, I had an interesting message from one of my friends. Here’s a sample of what he said (he gave me permission to use this):
David, you are my conduit into the social network world. What do you/your friends do about “messaging” or talking with married women? Women who were friends but are no longer as close. I…include them on “group” messages but never make it seem special. Hmmm. . .those are my thoughts. I bet TONS OF GUYS flirt with married women on here. And some of these women have some crazy pictures!…thanks for being my conduit.
That seems to be a topic that we don’t talk about too often. Our parents never told us “Don’t talk with someone who is married of the opposite sex on Facebook” because that wasn’t an issue 10 years ago. That wasn’t an issue 5 years. In many ways, that has only become an issue in the last year.
Where do we draw the line when communicating with a married individual of the opposite sex through social networking? Should it be off limits completely? Should it be for professional/work-related use only? Is it completely harmless?
Is there a clear line, and how do we know if we have crossed it?
Tags: Chat, Facebook, Facebook Chat, Married, Online
May 27th, 2009 at 7:12 am
For me, as a married guy, there are very, very few things I should ever need to say to a married woman who is not my wife that no one else could not see. And, if I have to say something private, it better be about my wife.
As Christians, if someone is married, then I believe that’s something that should be held in high regard and respected, thus not “flirting”.
For non-Christians though, we obviously cannot hold them to the same standard, although it is the same for them.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I have a couple of friends who are married to each other and feel very convicted about this. In fact, they decided together a few months ago to each delete all of their Facebook friends who were the opposite sex “so that (they) wouldn’t even be tempted to have a private conversation with anyone (they weren’t) married to.” My admittedly unspoken question (as I didn’t want to start anything) was, “Why not just agree to ONLY write on people’s walls, comment on photos, etc. – things that are public?” After all, if you are friends with someone on Facebook, you can do all of those things; if you are NOT friends with someone, the ONLY way to contact them is to message them – a private conversation. Personally, as a married woman with lots of single AND married guy friends (and married to a guy with lots of single AND married girl friends), we don’t feel any more convicted on Facebook than we do “in real life,” because we don’t say anything on Facebook we wouldn’t say in real life. And as with “real life,” you just have to have that trust in one another. We don’t have private conversations with people on Facebook not because we’re vehemently against it, but because we just don’t see a need. We’re not of the mindset that the more hang-ups you have, the more spiritually mature you are.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I think with social networking you have to be careful with LOTS of stuff, not just involving married people and conversations. With things like facebook, you can not only get in trouble with private conversations but with glancing at pictures too.
As a youth pastor and husband, when my brother had a myspace, he refused to add girls with pictures that were questionable. Even girls he knew personally. He did not want “his page” to be associated with a page of a girl in a bikini or any type of provocative picture. I was very proud of him. Not only did this eliminate a falsehood being spread about him, it kept him accountable from being tempted to check out his friends pics and come across pictures that would cause him problems. I’m almost positive he has the same policy now on facebook.
As far as conversations with married people, you do have to be careful. The issue could lie with whether the person of the opposite sex was your friend before they were married. I really think if they weren’t, there shouldn’t be a friendship “blooming” now. Once you’re married, you shouldn’t be spending time “getting to know” somebody of the opposite sex, even through facebook chat. My friends that are marrried (the guys) are very clear that their wife will know we talked and may even know what we talked about. I’m very weird about avoiding those things so much, that I just avoid it almost all together. I have never wanted to be that girl that makes a wife or girlfriend uncomfortable.
Here’s a few things that I try to help as a guide since there are now real lines: 1) If you wouldn’t want anybody to see the conversation, then you’ve probably said something you shouldn’t. 2) If you wouldn’t want anybody to know what you were thinking during the conversation, then you probably shouldn’t have it 3) If you wouldn’t want your spouse to have the same conversation with somebody else, then you shouldn’t have it. Basically, if you can’t do it in the open, it’s probably not beneficial or appopriate. Just because something isn’t technically wrong, doesn’t mean you should do it. Ron Hunter talks about this with a rubics cube in his book.
Also, it always helps putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes. If you’re a guy, think about what you would think or how you would feel about the conversation as the woman’s husband.
Lastly, the previous comment made mention of comparing it to “real life” but I have to say it’s a lot different. Most people are more apt to say “flirty” or questionable things through an IM or text than they are in a face to face conversation. I think that’s why it’s an issue. There’s this feeling I guess of it being a safer atmosphere to be extra friendly even maybe a thought that it’s more allowed. Either way, I think it’s super important to not put yourself in a situation that would cause you entertain thoughts or could leave you with a bad name (even if nothing happens).
Those things always help me.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I guess this topic kind of surprised me because, as a single gal, I have never had “ulterior motives” when speaking to a married guy on Facebook. I realize there are people out there, married and not, who may have other purposes. I also realize that it’s possibly the type of thing that could begin innocently enough, and then turn into something more as time passes. In some ways, I don’t want us to go SO far as to be phariseeical (is that a word?) about it. I think you can be friends and it not be a big deal. I have lots of friends who are married that I wouldn’t worry about talking to on FB. It’s not something that happens often, of course. Maybe I just have a quick question to ask them, or something. I wouldn’t say we go hang out one-on-one, because that’s not the case. Yes, I agree we need to be careful. But I think the occasional friendly hello (or whatever) isn’t that big of a deal. But we all know what our personal motives are, and that’s what we need to be convicted about in the long run.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Totally agree, Stephanie. :)
May 29th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Yay! Thanks, Hannah! :)
May 30th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Oops, looks like someone crossed the line: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4216519
June 12th, 2009 at 11:10 am
As a married person I dont really see anything wrong with talking to someone of the opposite sex as long as its not private. If I chat with someone on facebook my husband knows about it. I dont talk about things that shouldn’t be. I have friends who are males who are and aren’t married. To me, as a married woman, I can still have converstaions with them, but my husband needs to be aware of it.